The Fallacy of Fairness

How many times in my life, and yours as well I imagine, have I either uttered or heard uttered the words "Its Not Fair!" regarding everything from household chores, homework assignments, failed relationships or just life in general?  Well lets just say if I had a dollar for ....

Most of us grew up as children being taught things like "if you try hard enough you could be...." fill in the blank:  President, Astronaut, Famous Actor, Lawyer... the list can go on and on depending on what it was you aspired to be.  And we also grew up in that childhood innocence with a certain model of how things were supposed to go in life, either from our parents if you were lucky, or from the TV shows of the day showing happy American Family Life.  We were blissfully hopefull and unaware of what lies ahead.

The model goes something like this:  Go to school. Be a good citizen. Attend church regularly. Graduate High School. (Depending on your age group/generation) Join Military or Go to College. Meet Girl/Boy of dreams. Get married. Get job. Raise Kids. Take them to church with you.  Retire. Grandchildren. Cycle repeats itself with your kids. You die.  (If you are Baptist then hopefully someone went over the Romans Road to Salvation thing so you can go to heaven and not burn in hell - but thats really a different blog topic).

But something along the way breaks with this model.  Your parents divorce or worse one dies from cancer. That wasn't on the television?  Or your folks were just normal middle class and struggled just to make ends meet so there was no free ride to college and your dreams of becoming an attorney were just that: dreams. A difficult reality to achieve. Not impossible, but not an easy road like some folks.  Or you have a health issue that limits your abilities.  Maybe you are plagued by other issues.

Maybe your experience was different. Maybe you were born into privilege and most of this stuff was expected and delivered. The American Dream was literally laid at your feet. Maybe your plugged into social expectations and fulfilled them, only to be left, well, unfulfilled yourself.  You climbed the ladder that was in front of you only to discover it was leaning against the wrong wall. (Stephen Covey thing there).

I did a privilege exercise once and it was very interesting.  Folks in the group lined up next to one another, then took a step forward "if this" was part of your upbringing, or a "step back" if this was... etc.  At the end of the exercise many were way up in front and many were not.  And it wasn't because of their own effort or lack of it that anyone was where they were. Just things in life. Money, position, motivation, encouragement, family structure, and other variables.  Not one thing about your own effort. And that left an impression on me and may others in the group.

Life really isn't fair. We really all can't be President. Too many of us and too less of them anyway.  We can't all be born to billionaires.  Some of us will get sick, divorced, file bankruptcy, change belief systems, watch good people die while others (whom are a bit less good/deserving) live long lives. Forces at random in the universe playing with us like the Gods of old in Greek mythology..

But just because it isn't fair (never was intended to be) doesn't mean its bad either. Its a luck of the draw for the most part. Its what you make of it given the cards you were dealt. Its how you play your hand. Its the reason we engage in relationships, faith systems. How we treat others. How we use our limited or unlimited resources.

Jesus knew life wasn't fair. Well not fair in the way WE like to think of it. Like an even playing field.  Its simply not. The poor will always be with you, Jesus said.  I guess transversely the rich will also.  Jesus didn't say work harder so you can be rich too. No, he was pretty consistent about helping each other out when things were tough. Loving the unlovable of the day. Doing to others as you would like folks to do to you.

I know. Its tough. Would be easier to be level.  My sense of social justice would be meet. (See book of Habukkuk -4 pages in Old Testament).  But its not reality. Its a Fallacy. Life is what it is. Nothing more or less. The only variable in this ever changing equation is YOU. What are you doing with it. Resenting or Living? Sucking the life out of others or adding to their lives?

"Life isn't Fair"   Really?  ~npp

GET IN THERE MAVERICK!

One of my favorite movies from my impressionable teenage years was TOP GUN with Tom Cruise, Meg Ryan and other notable actors. Reflective of the times we lived in the movie centers around a Navy fighter pilot Maverick (Tom Cruise) who struggles with ghosts from his past and feels he has many things to prove. He is good and pushes the envelope in his flying to tempt the fates and thumb his nose at danger. He feels immortal, invincible, and on more than one occassion places himself and others in danger because he feels he can come out on Top. Cheat Death.
He cannot. In the blink of an eye, a routine fighter plane move exercise move turns deadly and he looses his best friend "Goose" after having to eject from the F14.
Mavericks world just turned on him and he is left with a sense of deep sorrow and guilt, second guessing himself and his whole apprach to flying.

And it cripples him.

Life is like that scene for many of us. As I reflect on my early childhood years, it seems as if I was a spectator in this thing called life, secure in my own little bubble and watching the world move around me in its busyness and routine. I did not have to concern myself with the cares of the day as I had parents who did that for me. I was simply allowed to exist. Of course as we grow older we start taking a more active part in life and all the responsibilities that come along with that. We learn a few things in school, apply them in a job, start relationships and have families, finance mortgages and auto loans, get involved with civic functions or church or politics or all of the above, and before we know it we are fully involved in life. Not sure how that all happened but we are in no longer merely observing it hapenning around us, but are fully involved in the dog fight.

and to be fully involved means taking risks. and like Maverick sometimes those risks are very costly to us and knocks us down for a while. We know longer carry that fighter pilot swagger we once had, and approach life a little more cautiously, a little less vulnerable to lessen the inevitable pain we will more than likely feel again at some point. To soften the blows of a hardened world that, with one mistake in a routine exercise in your day, is waiting to deal you a blow that'll take your wings and keep you grounded.

A later scene has Maverick with a new copilot and they are ordered to the Mediteranian Sea to help other American pilots who are engaged with enemy pilots in a dogfight. As they launch from the aircraft carrier and proceed to the dogfight Maverick is aware of the ghosts that haunt him. He is rehearsing life in his head. As they approach the dogfight from a distance they can see the mayhem and manuevering of all of the engaged aircraft and Maverick decides to not engage. He sees the ugliness and decides not to risk it, leaving his comrades in peril and certain death as they are outnumbered. Mavericks copilot starts yelling over the intercom "GET IN THERE MAVERICK" over and over and finally Maverick decides that its worth the risk and enters the fight, and of course comes out on top.

Often we've been attacked and hurt and wounded so deeply that we would prefer to "set this one out" or not engage. Its too risky. We prefer to watch from the sidelines. We may even gear up but set on the bench the whole time. Our fear of whatever is debilitating.

My encouragement for you today if you find yourself in this place is to slowly re-engage. Life is meant to be lived, not observed. Yes doing so may make you open to more risks in life, you may find yourself in a few scary situations, you may feel vulnerable... But you may also feel ALIVE, LOVED, and maybe, just maybe, will get a little of that swagger back in your walk.

GET IN THERE MAVERICK! (or whatever cool pilot name you have for yourself)
~npp

Life and Death and Life and Death

This week I have experienced the death of two people, one being young and the other old. One was a young man who worked for me a couple of years and the other was my great aunt. These are their stories:

The young man had been struggling through life, having been recently seperated from his wife and kids. Also his father had passed away during this time and he had already lost a young daughter. This young man had health problems and depression issues and just couldn't seem to get his life on track. He muddled through college while working for me and finally graduated last year with a teaching degree. His passion, he shared with me, was history and kids. After graduating he resigned from my place and went to teach high school. This was his first year to teach. After struggling with his place in the scheme of things, and finally getting it together to do something he really enjoyed, he died. Yep, died in his sleep they think. Found him in his house, alone. Natural causes. He was 42.

My great aunt lived in the same area all her life. Her husband had died 40 years ago and she had lived alone since that time. Her sons and daughters and grandkids all lived in the same area. They were a close family. She was very active, fiesty, mentally alert. A strong middle class everyday american who was born during the tough times of this country, lived through two World Wars, saw a man on the moon, microwave ovens and cell phones, television. Starting with her 70th birthday the family got together to mark the event, because 70 is quiet an accomplishment. I went to her 94th birthday and she was sharp as a tack mentally and physically pretty good as well. Her physical health declined recently and rapidly and she was put in hospice this week. She lived a good life and I know she wouldn't want to linger that way. She was 96.

We grow up with the thought that there is a proper order to life. The way things should go: Birth. childhood. teen years. young adult. college. marriage. family. death of grandparents. career. death of parents. retirement. our own death. But this isn't the course of things for many. Its a worldview that doesn't hold as true for some as others. Its what we would like to happen. Its often expected but not guaranteed. We use expressions like "cut down before their prime" or "died before he got to live" or something of that nature. Our expectations are at least a reasonable amount of time on the planet.

We make our plans. We set our goals. We go about our days as if tomorrow is a sure bet. But nothing is. All we are assured of is this moment. This is it. I can't be sure I will finish this post. Probably will, but you really don't know.

So what did you do with today? How did you spend it? Did you talk to your favorite person? Did you breath? Did you look around at the beauty of the planet? Did you listen to your favorite song? Did you make that phone call you've been putting off?

Love me like a river does...

If there is a basic underlying theme or pulse to humanity, it would be love, or the lack thereof depending. Nothing inspires humanity more than this. From poetry to literature to film to music to intimacy to passion to compassion, nothing grasps hold of the human heart, soul and mind more than love. It ignites and stirs feelings that words are not adequate to describe, and causes us to respond to its calling in ways we never would otherwise. To reach beyond our mortal selves and touch the soul of another, a lasting legacy of who we are and who we strive to be. Love carries risks. No, love makes it possible for us to take risks.

Love can be awesome and devastating at the same time. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and so with this also comes the negatives of rejections, loss, frustration, guilt, anger, resentment, which plays out through the same venues listed above. But at its core, it is Love that defines us. Love of others, ourselves, our neighbors. The absence of this love can also define us.

Thanks to endlessly restless at endlesslyrestless.blogspot.com for introducing Melody Gardot, a beautiful young lady who has a very sultry voice which stirred me when I watched the video link. It is very passionate. My favorite video with her singing "Love me Like a River Does" is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFjoEl1sk1Q. Very stirring. Very beautiful. Very passionate. So pull up a chair, have a glass of merlot and enjoy!

I think I could actually live a major part of my life off of the philsophy of the words of this song and the words of the video.

~npp

Between this world and that one

Today a high school friend of mine was laid to rest. Even typing these words seems odd to me. Brain cancer. 40 years young. Two young daughters and a spouse I have never met.

We are too young to die. This girl and I. Not moments ago we were in the halls of our high school, setting in the lunch room, me cracking jokes and she pretending to be offended. Now she is but a memory. Her children a legacy of all that she was, and passed on to them. A friend who is lost to her spouse.

I thought about her today. 2pm. The time of the funeral. I haven't seen her since high school but we are a small community, and everyone knows everyone and their families as well. It is a small part of you, your past, your being that is being buried with her. We are connected in that respect.

I could not be there. Instead, I found myself at a business expo, with booths and polished professionals and freebies and drinks and ... people going on with life and commerce and superficialness. While 90 miles away a solemn service was being held. A life being honored. An opportunity for grieving and supporting.

Two worlds at the same moment. This world and that one.

And I was caught between them somehow, contemplating the strangeness of it all.
I remember riding in the big black funeral home suburban following the vehicle that was carrying my mother to her grave and watching all of the traffic and people at the convenience stores and kids in their yards with balls and bicycles and I wanted to scream at them "Don't you know that the world has stopped!!!"
But they couldn't hear my inner thoughts - as their world had not. Mine had.

Two worlds at the same moment. This world and that one.

and I think, and I remember, and I smile, as somehow my memory of her still lingers, bridging the divide - between this world, and that one.

for one more day

I received the book "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom yesterday. I finished it today. It has left me feeling oddly reflective. Its hard to explain.
You can google it and see what the plot is about. In short, if you could have one more day with someone that has past on...
It goes through the whole spectrum of feelings and thoughts one has when presented with this scenario: guilt. memories. smells. tastes. attitudes. feelings. guilt. oh and did i mention guilt?
my mom died tragically and suddenly seven years ago. huge blow. large guilt. much anger. pissed off at god. I remember our last conversion, the last time I would ever see her alive...and it makes me sad. If I had known, like the poem says, it definitely would not have been "those words" i spoke, "those actions" i took. I would have made it mean more. If "for one more day" I would change a lot.
so I have taken this view and have tried to apply it to my relationships now, with family and friends and just folks I know.
Its hard. I don't feel like doing that all the time. If my spouse were to die before I get through typing this line.... the last words and actions we had were not what I wanted them to be. "for one more day" i would change it....
but its hard.
Life gets in the way, with its weird and demanding self. It is determined that I should bend and respond to its every whelm. Sometimes, it pisses me off as well.
i don't like things the way they are, and yet I feel powerless to change them.
for one more day. if only. in only we got redo's. the chance to say "I'm sorry".
I am trying my best not to need "for one more day". but i'm human. I'm a screw up.
I don't think its possible to get it right all the time and not have any regrets.