Friday, June 20, 2008

in a wierd place

I am in a wierd place right now. Lets just say it has been a stressful several days for many reasons that I can't really put my finger on totally. I work for a passive/aggressive person, who for the most part is okay and we get along, but there are times when his behavior is, well, assholeish. Excelling at making molehills into mountains and being the paragon of all wisdom, he drives me insane at times. More than that, he likes doing it. Its some sadistic pleasure I cannot understand. When I say Teamwork, I mean that I benefit by helping each member of my team. When he says Teamwork, its "the Team Works for me". Huge religious hypocrite as well. Doesn't walk his talk. Funny, we eat lunch at the office almost daily for the most part and we don't pray before eating. We go out to a restaurant and he feels like we have to pray before eating. Show.

So all the above and the inherent stresses of the job have me on edge a bit.
Then my spouse picked some movies to watch. Thats cool. The Bucket List one night where the guys are dying of terminal diseases, then P.S. I Love You where the guy dies young as well. Uplifting. Then I talk with some friends and this person is dying of a brain tumor. A 38 year old mother suddenly died of blood clot. A single mom of three has leukemia. It goes on and on. On top of all this, I work with troubled youth. One we have been working with for about 3 years took his own life this week. 15 years old. And I get home tonight to find out some friends of ours are getting a divorce, or at least splitting up because he is unfaithful and she is an alcoholic and their 10 year old daughter is here when I get home.

It seems there is dysfunction all around me and I can't get a break from it. My perspective on life is intense, and this stuff really bothers me. The crap that happens and the high priority people put on the B.S. we have created makes me want to scream "DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHAT REALLY MATTERS!!!". It echoes in hollow chambers.

It is begining to weigh on me. I can feel it in my shoulder muscles and in the muscles around my eyes. My sleep patterns have off once again. Stress and depression seem to raising their ugly heads once more.

and my damn motorcycle is in the shop so I can't ride off into the sunset.

and I'm trying to find something to say for Sunday. To teach about. And its just not coming to me. I wanted to utilize the scene from The Bucket List where they are on the plane talking about God and Faith. Yeah, Faith is what I want to talk about. The Faith that things will get better. Personal life, occupational life, relationship wise, health, ...that things will turn out okay. But I lack Hope. So this is difficult for me right now. Faith, Hope and Love. The greatest being...Love. If only.


Endlessly restless said...

OK npp - let's start at the end. The love bit is obviously in place since you care and it shows.

back to the beginning - the faith bit's there too - you know that things will get better, or at least into a better balance.

And Hope? Well you just take some faith mix in heaps of love... and you've made hope - for someone who needs that faith and love right now (like a 10 year old lass who's world is falling apart!)

MizAngie said...

These lines appeared on the video you recommended a while back called "Love Me Like a River Does" by Melody Gardot:
What keeps us alive? What allows us to endure? I think it is the hope of loving, or being loved.

You are a good man, with a good heart. You so obviously love your own family and friends, and care about others. I respect you very much and love you. And I know you'll think of just the right thing for Sunday.

nonprofitprophet said...

I am in a better mood now and the frustration seems to have passed. God did give me something to say about Faith, and as always, He knew what he was doing as the timing was perfect. It wasn't me doing it cause I wasn't in the mood. I appreciate the comments. ~npp