Sunday, June 15, 2008

Puh-Leeze!

Okay. Off and on the Prophet has Word that should be heeded. It is often emphasized at the end of a post by the singular line "Word". So here's one.
Word.
I took my lubberly little family to Sea World San Antonio this past week. They love it with all the cute little animals and sea life and rides. They also love the water park as well with its wave pool and lazy river.
There are, however, a few "attractions" we could have done without.
Ladies (and gentlemen if you find yourself being described here thought I'm not sure how), would you please pass this on to any of your male friends if you find them, ummm, tempted or currently doing this: Men wearing banana hammocks/speedos is not attractive. Guys, let me put this another way: Its Gross. NO one, Absolutely NO ONE cares to see your package. No matter how proud you may be of your little friend, I can certainly affirm that others do not share in your enthusiasm. There are times when discretion is the better part of valor, and dude, some discretion would have been great!
Okay ladies, when I say this please nod your head in the affirmative. Unless you look like Fabio, there's some stuff us guys just should not do. If your torso looks like one of those Budweiser Kegs we used to abuse in college, please refrain from walking around the neighborhood without your shirt on. Yes, really.
Windshorts. They are not for guys. Please refrain from jogging in them. Especially if they have words printed on the back.
Bald is beautiful. If you are experiencing hair loss in an unappealing manner, shave it off. Dude, grow a goatee and shave your head and get a tattoo and a Harley and your wife will thank you while flushing the toupee'.
and just too be fair - ladies, while you are beautiful in your own ways, sometimes I like to leave just a bit to my imagination, which can be to your advantage. Okay, if you are Angelina Jolie then go ahead and flaunt. But if your butt checks are hitting the back of your knees - PLEASE NO THONG (yes, I actually saw this).
and yes, that hummingbird on your left breast is cool for now, but in about 40 years it will be an Ostrich. Think it over.
If you are in the above categories and are totally comfortable with it, I implore you too consider others and how this may affect their mental capacities. When I recall these images in my head, I close my eyes really tight and shake my head violently. Its called "mental etch-a-sketch" and sometimes I can erase the image. Sometimes not.
Word.

4 comments:

KellyLawson22 said...

HILARIOUS. Sort of. I know exactly what you mean, and I wholeheartedly agree.

My husband and I are not these people. And my husband-- who started balding about the time he was 22, decided to shave his head, instead of pretending he has hair. It looks awesome. I think it's a great look. So yes, bald is WAY more beautiful than these guys who try to come up with "other" solutions for their 'condition'.

Great post, friend!

nonprofitprophet said...

I was in a mood when I wrote it. ~npp

MizAngie said...

Ugh. I saw a guy at the pool one time in a black speedo. He was so hairy he looked like he was swimming in a mohair sweater. YECH.

nonprofitprophet said...

yep mizangie! one of the guys looked like sasquatch in a speedo! :) ~npp