Well I got the all clear from my Cardiologist. There is nothing wrong with my heart. Yes, for about two months I was having chest pains and was thoroughly convinced that I was having heart problems and that the doctors were going to crack my chest open and do bypass surgery and I would never be the same again... I had stressed myself out so much about it that it actually made things worse.
Now, to be quiet fair about it, I was under a lot of stress at work and other places anyway, so that brought on the chest pains to start with, but was not the underlying cause.
But for some reason I could not put it in the hands of God (as many suggested) and continued to stress and worry. Not so much about dying over it (well, maybe a little) but leaving behind a family and kids and whatever. I also have "whitecoat syndrome", which is a fear of anyone wearing a white coat who says they are a doctor. Can't stand medical stuff.
When faced with real, scary medical stuff, I crumble. I can't just give it to God and go on. I worry. And I also live in the past at times. If I had done this or married her or said that or went into that occupation. And I stress about the future: How do I afford college for the kids, when can I retire, Will we have enough income, blah blah blah.
So I'm watching "Kung Fu Panda" with my family last week, and in one scene the Kung Fu Master (wise old turtle) says, "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That is why it is called a present". Wow. Such wisdom from an animated movie. And its pretty funny on top of that!
Yes indeed. Today. Its all we are assured of. No one is guaranteed a tomorrow, or heck, even the rest of the day the way some of us drive. And I started appreciating each day even more. And I tried to not worry. And the words of Jesus in Matthew came to mind (Mt. 6:34). "do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Sure enough, he knows what he is talking about. It certainly does have enough troubles all its own.
So I am trying to take things more leisurely. And to put the past where it belongs (behind me), the future where it belongs (wherever) and just enjoy the day I have. It'll be hard to do. Harder than writing this post, but I'm giving it my best.
Thanks for listening, today, to this.
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2 comments:
Since August, 1995, I said I was going to retire as soon as I became eligible (December, 2007). I chickened out for the same reason you listed...would I have enough to live on? I suddenly had an image of me eating canned cat food and wiping my butt with leaves from the yard.(For some reason those things symbolize absolute poverty for me.) So I'm still working. Or rather, I'm still going to the office. {giggle}
amen, amen, amen ... yep, all we have is right now. i don't know why on earth i even think my plans and worrying and figuring things out is of any use; it doesn't ever seem to turn out the way i worry it will or hope it will, either way.
i'm gonna listen, prophet, and let it go ...
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