disconnect

Do you ever feel disconnected? I am feeling that way today. Well, I'm expressing it today, but I feel like that alot.

I feel disconnected from God, my spouse, occupation... just life in particular. Okay, I'm not usually so much drama. I am usually on target and tuned in and on step and whatever term describes on my game. I think this is why I recognize that I'm off somehow. I am not doing my devotionals. I haven't made time for God. I have spent a lot, and I mean A LOT of time with my family lately and that hasn't helped bring down this wall that has gotten between us. I have been traveling and going and doing and ... I just got exhausted.

I haven't spent my energies on getting myself healthy. Been doing too much for the sake of whatever. Relationships, entertainment, my own ego, you fill in the gap.
Pink Floyd (the music group) has a song "comfortably numb" that resonates with me alot. sometimes i get "comfortably numb" to life. Ironic thing is that its not "comfortable" to me. I don't like numb. I like life. I like living on the edge. I like chances. I like spark. I get restless.

I emailed Endlessly Restless at his blogspot about a quote I read in Christianity Today magazine over the weekend. It spoke of being restless, and I am.
I want that "walk to emmaus" experience again or that annual church camp experience of my youth back. I need some authenticity in my christian relationship. Oh hell, lets just put it out there - I need authenticity in my marital relationship as well.
I need to connect. I need it on more than a superficial level. I need to connect to my world like a comfortable t-shirt that has been worn over the years, with enough stains and paint on it to make it unique. Mine. No one elses.
I need to do this. I am not quite sure how to approach it.

maybe this post is like the AA thing. The first step is acknowledgeing I have this problem. I just need to take step two. maybe i should re-read Brother Lawrence's "practicing the presence of God" and see if that inspires.

My daughters Birthday is today

I just read two blogger friends of mine. theroadlesstraveled.blogspot.com and mizangie57.spaces.live.com and interestingly enough they both hit on memories of the past. With today being my youngest daughters 6th Birthday and the preparations we are making for that, I wonder what memories she will have of this event? Other than pictures, what will rekindle thoughts of growing up in her later years?

We allow our kids to pick where they want to go eat on their birthdays. Well, today my 6 year old decided to dine at the culinary and cultural delight known as Chuck E. Cheese. Yes, a pizza place that features a huge rat as its mascot. I have no idea whats behind that marketing strategy, but it seems to work. So that is what we shall do. Go eat so-so pizza and they play games with tokens.

I do not recall my 6th birthday. I do know that it wasn't at a restaurant. It was at home, like all of my birthdays. My mom would bake a sheath cake (usually strawberry with strawberry icing, all homemade of course) and put those hard sugar decorations on it with corresponding number of candles. I would get to invite the 4 or 5 kids in the neighborhood (one whom happened to be an older girl who I had a crush on and she became a cheer leader and later got married before I could wow her with my charms) and we would eat cake, ice cream, and open whatever presents I got. Then we played in the backyard most likely.

Now we take kids to indoor play places, nice restaurants, trips, whatever, and spend hundreds of dollars on the event not counting the gifts. And I wonder, what memories will they have of this?

Mine are fond. I know my mom took time to make that cake. My favorite cake! To put just the right amount of icing on the top. To put the candles on it, light them, and have my dorky friends (except for the girl) sing Happy Birthday to me while I blew them out while making my wish.... (okay, yes the wish was about the girl).

It took time and effort.

Taking my kid to Chuck E. Cheese does not. But I wonder, will it have the same affect on her as mine did? I think probably so. Of course, we have ten thousand cameras at these events now, with video and still cameras, so it will all be recorded somewhere.

Thats one thing I do not have much of. Pictures of us kids, my sisters and I, growing up. No videos that I'm aware of. So the absence of those resources make my memories even that much more important to me, as they grow cloudier and dimmer by the year. Even so, they were good memories that I'm sure some kids did not have. I took them for granted, as I am sure my kids do presently. But hopefully, sometimes when a familiar smell or sight or sound or even someone else's blog, triggers these memories, after I am long gone, they will look back on these days with fondness... and say mom and dad did okay. ~npp

in a wierd place

I am in a wierd place right now. Lets just say it has been a stressful several days for many reasons that I can't really put my finger on totally. I work for a passive/aggressive person, who for the most part is okay and we get along, but there are times when his behavior is, well, assholeish. Excelling at making molehills into mountains and being the paragon of all wisdom, he drives me insane at times. More than that, he likes doing it. Its some sadistic pleasure I cannot understand. When I say Teamwork, I mean that I benefit by helping each member of my team. When he says Teamwork, its "the Team Works for me". Huge religious hypocrite as well. Doesn't walk his talk. Funny, we eat lunch at the office almost daily for the most part and we don't pray before eating. We go out to a restaurant and he feels like we have to pray before eating. Show.

So all the above and the inherent stresses of the job have me on edge a bit.
Then my spouse picked some movies to watch. Thats cool. The Bucket List one night where the guys are dying of terminal diseases, then P.S. I Love You where the guy dies young as well. Uplifting. Then I talk with some friends and this person is dying of a brain tumor. A 38 year old mother suddenly died of blood clot. A single mom of three has leukemia. It goes on and on. On top of all this, I work with troubled youth. One we have been working with for about 3 years took his own life this week. 15 years old. And I get home tonight to find out some friends of ours are getting a divorce, or at least splitting up because he is unfaithful and she is an alcoholic and their 10 year old daughter is here when I get home.

It seems there is dysfunction all around me and I can't get a break from it. My perspective on life is intense, and this stuff really bothers me. The crap that happens and the high priority people put on the B.S. we have created makes me want to scream "DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHAT REALLY MATTERS!!!". It echoes in hollow chambers.

It is begining to weigh on me. I can feel it in my shoulder muscles and in the muscles around my eyes. My sleep patterns have off once again. Stress and depression seem to raising their ugly heads once more.

and my damn motorcycle is in the shop so I can't ride off into the sunset.

and I'm trying to find something to say for Sunday. To teach about. And its just not coming to me. I wanted to utilize the scene from The Bucket List where they are on the plane talking about God and Faith. Yeah, Faith is what I want to talk about. The Faith that things will get better. Personal life, occupational life, relationship wise, health, ...that things will turn out okay. But I lack Hope. So this is difficult for me right now. Faith, Hope and Love. The greatest being...Love. If only.

Where Stupid Collides

I was with my wed morning group today and we were cutting up as usual. One is relaying the story of going to a local fast food joint to pick up some lunch. He is second in line behind a lady who is ordering for three separate "to go" orders. The girl behind the counter gets one of the orders wrong (murphys law) and has to get a manager and all that jazz.
now, more than likely you have been in this situation somewhere. Mine usually occurs at Wal-Mart. I'll scan quickly for the shortest line and get myself in it. Unfortunately, the reason the line was short is because other exasperated customers have decided to find another due to the incompetency of the cashier and/or the customer in line. I'll look up and the little "i need assistance please" light is flashing. Now this only occurs in direct correlation to the amount of time I have remaining prior to another obligation. The less time the more frequent the occurence.
Which leaves me with this: If you put two certain variables together, the outcome will not be desirable. Hence, Stupid people should not work where stupid people order. Its a recipe for disaster I'm telling you. I'm not sure their shouldn't be IQ meters at least on one end of the deal. Either the worker or the shopper. Would make things go a lot smoother.

just so you can na-na-na-na-na-na!

This website allows you to leave messages for those who get "left behind" after the rapture. Assuming you are going and they are not (seems a bit judgemental too me, but hey, evangelicals are really good on this soooo....)

www.you'vebeenleftbehind.com

would be cool too leave those folks some "na-na-na-na-na-na's". That'll freak 'em out when your gone and their still here looking down on, well, whoever the hell is left. (no pun intended)

Puh-Leeze!

Okay. Off and on the Prophet has Word that should be heeded. It is often emphasized at the end of a post by the singular line "Word". So here's one.
Word.
I took my lubberly little family to Sea World San Antonio this past week. They love it with all the cute little animals and sea life and rides. They also love the water park as well with its wave pool and lazy river.
There are, however, a few "attractions" we could have done without.
Ladies (and gentlemen if you find yourself being described here thought I'm not sure how), would you please pass this on to any of your male friends if you find them, ummm, tempted or currently doing this: Men wearing banana hammocks/speedos is not attractive. Guys, let me put this another way: Its Gross. NO one, Absolutely NO ONE cares to see your package. No matter how proud you may be of your little friend, I can certainly affirm that others do not share in your enthusiasm. There are times when discretion is the better part of valor, and dude, some discretion would have been great!
Okay ladies, when I say this please nod your head in the affirmative. Unless you look like Fabio, there's some stuff us guys just should not do. If your torso looks like one of those Budweiser Kegs we used to abuse in college, please refrain from walking around the neighborhood without your shirt on. Yes, really.
Windshorts. They are not for guys. Please refrain from jogging in them. Especially if they have words printed on the back.
Bald is beautiful. If you are experiencing hair loss in an unappealing manner, shave it off. Dude, grow a goatee and shave your head and get a tattoo and a Harley and your wife will thank you while flushing the toupee'.
and just too be fair - ladies, while you are beautiful in your own ways, sometimes I like to leave just a bit to my imagination, which can be to your advantage. Okay, if you are Angelina Jolie then go ahead and flaunt. But if your butt checks are hitting the back of your knees - PLEASE NO THONG (yes, I actually saw this).
and yes, that hummingbird on your left breast is cool for now, but in about 40 years it will be an Ostrich. Think it over.
If you are in the above categories and are totally comfortable with it, I implore you too consider others and how this may affect their mental capacities. When I recall these images in my head, I close my eyes really tight and shake my head violently. Its called "mental etch-a-sketch" and sometimes I can erase the image. Sometimes not.
Word.

a one, a two, a three...how many licks will it take?

If you know what the subject line above is in reference to, then you are probably around my age. "A one, a two, a three...how many licks will it take" referred to a tootsie-roll lollipop and the commercial featured a kid who sought out a wise owl and asked how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-roll lollipop. The wise owl takes the lollipop and licks 3 times and then just bites into it.
Enter politics.
I was watching both McCain's and Obama's "speeches" the night Obama clinched the Democratic nomination by delegate count. McCain said this and that and Obama said that and this. I will concede that Obama is a much more inspiring orator than McCain. And I'm listening to what each is promising to do if elected President of Our United States of America.
I, my friends, am a left over Reagan Republican. I listened over my young adult life to the promises, the hope, the inspiring message that I got from him in my impressionable days and loved it. I waited for the days that the Repubicans (i.e., the conservatives) would finally straighten out our screwed up world and put things "right" (pun intended). Well, it finally happened and the Republicans took control of the White House and Congress and great things were going to happen. Lower taxes. No more pork barrel spending. No more interpretive judges on the federal judiciary.
They didn't.
The Republican's took office and for the most part - acted just like the democrats, just a different label. Nothing got solved for the most part. I felt let down. Still do.
Now in fairness (or for disclosure purposes for my liberal leaning friends, of which I have many) I am not a Republican. I would claim to be an Independant but I see so many people from both sides of the isle claiming that position that I hesitate to do so, and I can't say that I have actually voted independently in the past. Moderate carries such a bad label now I hate to use that either, and I'm not very moderate really. I am passionate about what I believe. I believe anyone who is passionate about their belief systems should vote and act accordingly. I have no problem with conservatives or liberals as long as they actually believe their own rhetoric and act on it and back it up with intelligent thought.
Which brings me back to my subject. I don't know that I believe the rhetoric of either Obama or McCain. Obama with his "I don't know my friends very well obviously" stance on all of his drama and his hope-inspiring messages (Which I like the sound of but wonder how in the hell he plans on carrying all of this out since he hasn't given any plans on how he would do this, but he sounds good) and McCain with his "I can be a conservative or a moderate when it suites me" and past performances where its hard to figure out what he might do.
So my question is: How many licks will it take to get to the center of these two. One, Two, Three? Like the lollipop, they are in the selling political season and have been polished and wrapped in a way that they hope will appeal to consumers to purchase them.
I just wonder what the actual product will be once I bring it home.
A one, a two, a three... the world may never know.